In The Dark

Trust is a luxury that I personally cannot afford. However it is also a weakness that I have recently been stricken with. Maybe it is me wanting to "make up" for the wrongs I have done. Or maybe it is the side of me that wants to see the beauty in all things. 

Where did THAT come from? I admit I live most of my days in the dark, no not like the lights are all off. More like blinding (myself) from the truth & joy of life. So when do I get that chance to trust someone whole heartedly? 

I dont know, if it is my fear of the unknown that prevents me from giving people a fair chance. Whatever it is, has made me a prisoner to my doubts about trusting another living soul with myself. 

I have always thought that it could be my behavior that supressed my senses and emotions. I have only now realized it is my fear. 

Not too many things I AM afraid of, but letting someone in to a cage that has been locked for so long... Is scary. Funny right, cause when I was in jail, I couldnt wait to get out of the cage. Here I am now wanting to stay ... In The Dark.

Boxer

I have never felt more than I feel now. I used to just numb myself with drugs & adrenaline. I would use. I would fight. I would steal. 

My young adult life was not how I imagined it. I was set on being a teacher. After my first fight I knew I was NOT going to teach. 

So I became great at what I was doing. I was always a leader, ( I think that comes with being the oldest.) and the things I was doing were awful. 

One night I saw this girl that was a habitual problem for me. She liked to talk shit & run. Her name was Leanne Scott. Well me being me, we chased her. Me & my homie "Boxer". (Man I miss him RIP homeboy)

We ended up following her to her house, he was drunk & I was high. When she ran inside, he stumbled out before I could say anything. He ran up to her car & in seconds flattened her tires, yelling at her the whole time. 

Her mom was inside watching in horror. I was laughing & yelling at him to cmon. As we drove back to my house we were laughing the whole time. I knew the cops were probably close behind, but I didnt care. 

We pulled in to my driveway & saw the lights. We got out knowing they were gonna get pissed but "fuck it". We just  walked real slow with our arms around each other like we were a couple.

(That was one of my famous moves to avoid police) 

It was Barbanica, he started yelling instanly to "stop." We were so wasted we started laughing. My mom came out.... Etc etc. 

They searched my car found the knife, & gave him a citation. We lied pretty good though, so we escaped jail. It wasn't till the next day they came back for me. 

It ended up she got a restraining order against me! 

Imagine that, this bitch started ALL KINDS of problems for me & gets a restraining order? Story of my life. 

I will never forget the way my homie Boxer just jumped out no questions, where is the loyalty now a days? 

There is none, everyone is out for them selves. Including me, but I miss my real homies. I miss you Julio Portillo, RIP amigo.