Carbon Copies

As a young person I was different. I knew it when I realized I enjoyed things, most girls did not. 

I loved skateboarding, baseball, riding my bike, two hand touch. (All time quaterback) it was the only position they would give me. I liked being outside, running around, playing. 

Dont get me wrong, I had Barbies & jump ropes. I roller skated & played jacks. I just felt it inside, that I was not average. It was not until recently that I became aware of how good that was. 

I listened to heavy metal at one point, & was obsessed with dramatic hairstyles. My clothing was mostly black, torn or shredded. It made NO difference to me that people pointed & made fun of my look. I was ALWAYS me. 

When my daughter was old enough to start making her own choice in clothing, I recognized the pattern. Same as myself, I just didnt want to "fit in", because I didnt know who I really was yet. 

She would wear odd things & listen to different music. I saw that she, also was not afraid of how others judged her. 

Knowing that her father has been 95% absent from her life caused some attitude problems. Maybe even affected her self esteem, but as with my sons, I will live the rest of my life, trying to be the rock for them. 

I had a father who was there, but was not  there, for me. Emotionally & mentally I think he was checked out. Physically he was there, 100%. So many days I had spent trying to gain his affection, his attention, his SOMETHING. I was naive, young, & did stupid things. 

I have a great relationship with him now. We have come to understand one another. His lack of emotions created a strength in me that I would not trade for anything. I care not to be a carbon copy of anyone & everyone else. I choose to remain true to myself, even if Im STILL trying to find me.  

 

Hello

How many of you remember elementry school. I do, I also remember the Indian Trailor. Yes, my mom is Ms. Tafoya. 

I thought it was weird at first, having my mom working around the school, (when it came), but I soon realized how much EVERYONE loved it. 

My mom started off in the Pittsburg Unified School District as a yard duty. We lived two blocks from Foothill Elementry, she was afternoon staff.

I attended Foothill for 6 yeats K-5 grade. I remember every last teacher. Ms. Belleci, Ms.Lee, Ms.Huckabee, Ms. Caruso, Ms. Clawson, & Mr.Rose. 

As the years passed my mom worked all over the school district. From the elementry schools (in the indian trailor), to the High School in opportunity classes. Which I also ended up in. 

From there she found a place at Liberty Union High School District, in Brentwood. 

She started there as a Campus Supervisor, at Liberty High School. After a few years, she became a classefied worker in the deans office. Where she was loved by all of her students & her co workers. She was the advisor for the Azteca club, & recognized by several officials in the district. She worked extra hours chaperoning dances, football games & events. 

My mom loved her role in the lives of her students, and they loved and, trusted her as well. ALWAYS stopping in to say hello.

On October 21, 2013 my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers Dimentia. I share this because she is only in her begining stages. She knows who we are and she can recollect YEARS back, but has trouble with short term memory. If you knew, or know her, dont be afraid to reach out to her. She lives in the same house, in Pittsburg. My mom was there for me showing tuff love, forcing my hand to become who & what I am today. Without her I would be dead, lost, gone, who knows. 

Im saying, before it is too late, if you have someone in your life you love. They may not always be around. Don't put off going and saying hello, or calling to tell them you love them. Do it today!

Next time it might be too late 

The Fence

Stupidity was my middle name, until I decided to change it to endurance. For a while my ([dned]damn near every day) crew consisted of myself, my girl Sonja, & the cuzzins. Dino, Josh, & Dondo. 

We drank somethin fierce. I liked marijuana more, but I was no stranger to E&J. Mostly we chilled in the garage at my moms pad, sometimes we ventured out. 

Dondo & Josh would play "catball", & Dino would just clown. Dondo always had the burner gloves & a radio. Josh always had his house shoes & a beater. Dino, well he always had a cold one. 

Then there was Sonja, she always had a smile, she was my ace. 

We had good times, & bad times, the 5 of us. Drinking till we threw up, or threw water in our own face. Smoking out of the soy sauce bong. And making sure Kheeler made it home safe, even if we left him on his porch in between the screen and the door. Ringing the bell & running. (he STILL came back too)

Im going to tell you about one of the funnier things that happened one night. Dondo RARELY had the house to the neck, so when he did, we were knew we were gonna get FUUUUUCKED up. 

Sonja Josh & I had the task of gathering the beverages for the evening. We were going to meet up with Don & Dino at Grannys. 

Mind you I did a lot of shit back in the day, but that was then, and this is now.

So we planned on a divide & conquer in the local supermarket. None of us had money OR ID. So yes we were about to hit a lick at Raleys. (The now Food Source). I might add that Sonja and I were pretty good at the "five finger discount" thing. Josh was not. He was noticably large & a total eye catcher for any "security". 

So we just acted like we didn't know him, turns out he was just in the mood to grab and go. As he headed to the opposite doors, double fisting two bottles of E&J, he was approached by a stalky blonde. She attempted to "stop" him, Sonja and I seized the opportunity to grab our bottles. We discreetly hid them, as we slinked out the other end of the store. 

Watching this woman try to wrestle with Josh was comedy. He more or less dragged her out the door dropping one of thd bottles to the ground. Hearing the breaking glass, Sonja & I stepped it up to a face paced trot towords the main street, Loverage. 

Granny lived almost behind the store, so as we hit the side walk we slowed a bit. Knowing Josh was just behind us we continued to walk. Seconds later we heard a huffing & puffing, as Josh wizzed past us mumbling that they were comming. 

Not really knowing what to expect, we also began to run. We were only a few blocks from Grannys, so we were safe. When we realized there was no one actually chasing us we calmed down a little, but stayed just behind Josh. 

In front of the house with the garage door open, stood Don & Dino, who had NO clue what was going on. Josh literally hit the fence and jumped over. All we saw were his house shoes in the air, as his belt had gotten caught on the top of the wooden slats. Racing up to the fence Dino & Dondo could not stop laughing. There he was dangling on the other side, curled halfway up. Never letting go of the bottle. 

I miss you cousin, I wish you were here, but I know your laughing right now. Love you Jitty. 

10.26.01

The night that Adrian Orozsco died will burn in my heart forever. I go over & over the events in my mind at least once a week. His, is a death I will never let go of. 

It is unhealthy, & it is my own personal hell. 

I met Adrian sometime back, while runnin around out here. He was quiet & moved swiftly through the night. I did not know he would be SUCH a big part of my life. He hardly even spoke. When he did, it was smooth. I knew little about him at the time, except who the mother of his children was. THEN we had a mutal dislike for eachother due to surrounding circumstances. 

So when we (Adrian) and I found ourselves alone on the block one day, he asked me to braid his hair. I gotta admit, I was a little intimidated by his personality. Looking back I realized it was, because I did not KNOW him. 

I was comming to the end of his beautiful LONG black hair, when the homies started showing up. He bounced up from the chair and kind of stiffened up. 

Eventually this got back to a few pwople and I was questioned... Let me say (so you will understand), it WAS a big deal, braiding, holding, running, with or for any guy. The few females will tell you, it put a stamp on the two individuals. Not as an item so much (unless of course you were), but some sort of partnership. 

Turns out we ended up closer than I would have EVER thought. 

Long story short. Adrian never wanted to "click-up"... As many others didnt. I wont say that I am the reason he did, but I was there & I was involved. Most of the "youngsters" were drawn to my persuading ways. Not saying it like I was a pin up Carmen Electra type... But Im sure I was a postergirl for a "pretty thug". I always took care of my guys. (No not in bed either)! They ate, had clothes, money, I did what some of their mothers didnt. Offered love & compassion. I cared. I listened to them & when they were tired I let them sleep. Something not a lot of us got.  

As the years passed I became close with Adrian. We ended up living with others, in a home just off the block. We had the same friends, & my significant other at the time had BEEN friends with him. So we were kinda like family. 

That particular night he was staying with some other friends out in Antioch. Myself, Mike Cruz (RIP) & Isaac came to visit. I hadn't seen him for a while & Isaac & Mike were drunk. I was somewhat fresh from jail & I missed my homie. 

The other guys in the house were chillen and all bullshitting. I was in the kitchen with Adrian. He was talking about his daughters. He did that from time to time, he loved them and missed them a lot. He wasn't too open with everyone, but I knew his heart BEAT for them & Laverne.

 

He was making "chile con pollo con limon".. Lol (chicken soup with tapatio & lemon)

I wanted him to come with us that night, I missed him dearly. We would sit up and talk all night sometimes. He would ALWAYS make me laugh. When he would sing to me "Chata Lynn, good for nothin type of sister". Or there were the deep conversations, like that night. October 26, 2001. 

He would not come with me, I tried, he kept tapping his front pocket. (He had shown me a winning lottery ticket when I had first arrived.) Said he was going to leave the next morning to be with his family in Merced. I told him that I would take him, he just smiled with his head up against the wall and said "no Chata, Im really going this time". 

Reluctantly I left after hugging my friends goodbye that night, I got the two I came with out to the car. Just before I got in to drive away, I ran back up to the door & barged back in. I begged him to come with us. He stood up & walked me over to the door & hugged me, saying "don't trip Im a cone visit yall before I leave". Sadly I started to walk away again.I turned around, and he was still standing in the doorway smiling. He waived me off. 

That was the last time I ever saw him. I try to deal with what I felt that night. Remorse, guilt, pain, anger... I cannot decide. When the phone call came the next day I was in shock & utter disbelief. To this day I don't know why or what or how.. I just know he is gone & it took years for his soul to rest. THAT itself brought me to a WHOLE other world. I became severly withdrawn. I believed then & now, that he made it known (to me anyway that he was not happy) nobody REALLY knows about that night except him and his maker. 

I will forever remember what most have CHOSEN to forget. I love you Dre. 

The Bandit

I lay awake thinking about this relationship of mine sometimes. I wonder where it will go, what it will bring, & how I have been affected. I see on the outside, it appears good in looks. I know on the inside it is lacking, emotionally. There is no communication, my tolerance for being ignored is becoming overwhelmingly apparent. I am surrounded, but feel alone. I can breathe, but feel smothered. I am depressed. Looking back, I long for the days in which we spoke kindly to each other, & never let another talk down to us. I would have ran a mile just to see him. Now it feels like Im running a mile just to catch up with him, because he’s busy ahead of me. We used to walk side by side, now I fall behind, trying to keep everything else in place, while he jogs ahead, creating space and questions that he does not want to answer. Let me clarify something, every now and then he tries. I see that he gives it that 100 percent we promised each other. I see it now and then, but nothing like before. We pushed every limit together. We got through everything together. He never let me down, and I was always there for him.  So shouldn’t it ALWAYS be 100, I mean if I am giving 100, should he not match me anymore? Wishful thinking maybe, but these are things I have been thinking about most nights now. I am confused and it’s becoming dangerous to my mental health because of the way I still want to love him. 

Where is my goodnight bandit, who sometimes makes it all go away. The stress of the day, the headache of an argument. The sadness of my loneliness. When I hear or see those simple words, (goodnight or good-morning or even hey hows it goin) it means someone else thought of you. That must be hard to do now, because he rarely does anymore, it feels more like it is forced & empty. I feel lost, and sadness keeps me frozen with fear. I keep trying to figure out what happened, where is my friend? He says nothing is wrong and then he gets mad at me. 

I look forward to the days to come, somethings gotta change. Maybe it will be me, but he swears he loves me the way I am, so should I have to change? Does that not mean he never loved me because he now wants somebody different. Help me understand so I can love him the right way, and so he can get back to loving me at all. 

Extended Stay

Im going to tell MY side of the reason behind my extended jailstay. In the mid 90s I was a known affiliate of the streets. Without giving too much away, (lets just say) there are still some people who call me "Chata". 

I was living with relatives near West Blvd. (currently Alturas Ave) my cousin Andrea was going to cook dinner that night, so I offered to take her only daughter, at the time, to the store for garlic bread. 

Yaminah was about 3 at the time, she was toddling along with us & enjoying the fresh air. 

As we approached the main area (where all the homies were at) of the block we saw some peoples and stopped to chat. I was holding her hand, but I was deep in to the conversation. Unknowing to me her bottle had dropped on to the slopped sidewalk &, rolled JUST past the parked car we were leaned on. 

I felt her pull away but she was right next to me so I thought nothing of it. Until it happened SO FAST, but in slow motion. 

The silver-blue car came rollin up and I heard the thunk. I saw Yaminah in the air over the hood of the car. I heard a second thunk as she bounced on the hood & then hit the street. 

To my disbelief the car proceeded to keep going. Rolling right over her. Luckily she was small, so the tires did not touch her body. In a flash I gave chase to the car. I hollered out to folks at the stop sign not to let that car pass.

Everyone on the block saw & heard what had just happened. Old women came off the porches, men came out of the garages.. It was horrific. The cuttys down the street surrounded the car. Four females were trapped on West Blvd, after a hit & run of one of ours! 

As I sprinted down the street I saw a female sprinting beside me .. Nae Nae. 

As we reached the car the cuttys were already jumping on the hood & stomping out the winshield. I reached in to the drivers side and snatched a handful of her red hair. Yanking her out of the window. She was screaming & crying, but it was to no avail. As her body came through the window, she regained her stance & ripped free. She started to run...back down the block. She did not get far. 

 I dont recall who she ran in to first, but when I approached her she was balled up on the curb. I remember the first few hits, but it is a blur after that. I see my feet kicking her & others tearing at her hair, clothes & face. 

Even the old women came out with brooms, it was very brutal. She managed to get herself up, after I realized what was actually happening, I began to run back to where Yaminah's little body was lying. 

They air lifted her. I saw my cousin Andrea breaking down in the middle of the street, I saw the ambulance & police.. I dont remember much sound except the heart braking sobs from my cousin.

If I could trade places with Yaminah I would have.

I learned later,(after being arrested & charged with Assault with a deadly weapon on a person causing bodily harm), there were swisher sweet blunts found in the vehicle as well as alcohol. (Unopened). I was sentances to 9 months county jail & 3 years felony probation. PLUS, I had a pending charge that was filed on me. Possesion for sale & distrabution. Four felonies & a strike for gang enhancement. 

I did my time, got out, tried to be good & failed miserably. I abscounded, was caught SEVERAL times. Doing at least 6 viloations. With the probation comming to an end I did the remaining 10 months locked up. I was taken out of General Population for trivial bullshit every other week. 

An extra boiled egg, wearing boxers, refusing to follow orders ( so they say ). Just ANYTHING they could do to keep me on 3-5-or 10 day lockdowns.  Finally it became more serious & an inmate actually planted a razor in my things & I was written up. 

During the "search" of my room one Deputy (the bitch Guile) decided she was gonna come & talk shit to me. I had it with this bitch, so needless to say I ended up doing about 6 months on the lock down module.

"For the saftey of general population". I can remember one deputy saying "Tafoya this here is my house, & I just cant do my job if these here women are listening to you & not me". 

So off I went, not to see the light of day for the next 6 months. No room mate, 23 & 1 EVERY OTHER DAY. Lucky for me I met Deputy Linkenhoeker. She left my door open at times, brought me cofee every now and then. Even let me watch a few movies. She gave me mail that other deputies were holding. If it wasnt for meeting her ... Well I went halfway crazy anyway. But she was a bright spot in a very lonely & dark time. 

I learned after my release an internal investigation was done on her & she was fired. Too bad, she was decent. They tracked me down & after repeated phone calls and me ignoring them they showed up and asked me to give a statement on anything she had ever told me. They asked if she ever gave me drugs or things that I shouldn't have had. I backed away from them and acted like they had the fucking plague, the same way they treated us anytime we came near them while we were housed in West County detention facility I told them "listen deputy you are in my house right now & if everyone is listening to you & not me,  I wouldnt be doing my job out here, now would I"?!  I asked them to leave. They tried to leave me a card saying it would be in my best interest to give them a call. I laughed and threw in in the garbage in front if them and  I waived goodbye. 

I never went back to jail, and I never will!

The Tournament

Have you ever questioned yourself on where the "good ol days" went? I do all The time. I rember when we were a real deal family. I loved playing night time hide n go seek. Feeeze tag, & mother may I. 

Growing up there were many memories that seem so far away now. 

I don't even know where to begin. My youngest brother was like my child. My middle brother was my rival, & my parents were aliens. 

As a family we did stuff, vacation to Disneyland in our bucket camper.  Trips to SF, (weekly, sometimes twice a week)

In our bucket camper. Parties every weekend with Uncle Ernie (RIP) & Aintie Lolly. Or the Rubios of course. 

The biggest impact was City Park. My dad played softball for the City, & for his job. (PG&E) I spent countless hours there. Watching the grown ups get totally drunk after the games & argue about mindless things. 

I played cupball with Sandralina, Rolando, & Victor. (& of course my competative brothers). We never cared about the time, to us it was irrelavent. I can't think of a group I would want to be around more during those times. 

One particular day our parents were playing in a tournament in Antioch. Us kids were having our own game on a side field, against some kids from the Antioch team. I was catching behind the plate. (We actually had gloves a ball and a bat). 

As the kid came up to bat, I remember him trash talking like all good ball players do... He swung and cracked it. 

Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing that cracked. He let go of the bat.  I just remember the feeling of nausea. The sound of the break. 

As I wretched in pain. I looked up & saw the shocked faces of my cousins & brothers. The idiot was rounding the bases with NO regard as to what had just happened! I fell to the dirt and started crying & yelling. 

I never heard so much cussing from little kids. I saw my brothers running in from the outfield. I saw Sandralinas face twist up with anger. Rolando, Vic & the rest of them just started chasing the guy. Boy did he run. He ran back over to the adults field & caused a stir in the game. 

My cousins, my family, my saviors. Sandralina stayed with me, the boys were all getting in trouble, till yhe parents found out why this poor kid was about to get stomped out! 

I ended up with a broken collarbone.  I will forever cherish my "ballpark" memories. Good or bad, my cousins & my brothers always had me. 

In The Dark

Trust is a luxury that I personally cannot afford. However it is also a weakness that I have recently been stricken with. Maybe it is me wanting to "make up" for the wrongs I have done. Or maybe it is the side of me that wants to see the beauty in all things. 

Where did THAT come from? I admit I live most of my days in the dark, no not like the lights are all off. More like blinding (myself) from the truth & joy of life. So when do I get that chance to trust someone whole heartedly? 

I dont know, if it is my fear of the unknown that prevents me from giving people a fair chance. Whatever it is, has made me a prisoner to my doubts about trusting another living soul with myself. 

I have always thought that it could be my behavior that supressed my senses and emotions. I have only now realized it is my fear. 

Not too many things I AM afraid of, but letting someone in to a cage that has been locked for so long... Is scary. Funny right, cause when I was in jail, I couldnt wait to get out of the cage. Here I am now wanting to stay ... In The Dark.

Boxer

I have never felt more than I feel now. I used to just numb myself with drugs & adrenaline. I would use. I would fight. I would steal. 

My young adult life was not how I imagined it. I was set on being a teacher. After my first fight I knew I was NOT going to teach. 

So I became great at what I was doing. I was always a leader, ( I think that comes with being the oldest.) and the things I was doing were awful. 

One night I saw this girl that was a habitual problem for me. She liked to talk shit & run. Her name was Leanne Scott. Well me being me, we chased her. Me & my homie "Boxer". (Man I miss him RIP homeboy)

We ended up following her to her house, he was drunk & I was high. When she ran inside, he stumbled out before I could say anything. He ran up to her car & in seconds flattened her tires, yelling at her the whole time. 

Her mom was inside watching in horror. I was laughing & yelling at him to cmon. As we drove back to my house we were laughing the whole time. I knew the cops were probably close behind, but I didnt care. 

We pulled in to my driveway & saw the lights. We got out knowing they were gonna get pissed but "fuck it". We just  walked real slow with our arms around each other like we were a couple.

(That was one of my famous moves to avoid police) 

It was Barbanica, he started yelling instanly to "stop." We were so wasted we started laughing. My mom came out.... Etc etc. 

They searched my car found the knife, & gave him a citation. We lied pretty good though, so we escaped jail. It wasn't till the next day they came back for me. 

It ended up she got a restraining order against me! 

Imagine that, this bitch started ALL KINDS of problems for me & gets a restraining order? Story of my life. 

I will never forget the way my homie Boxer just jumped out no questions, where is the loyalty now a days? 

There is none, everyone is out for them selves. Including me, but I miss my real homies. I miss you Julio Portillo, RIP amigo.