The Bandit

I lay awake thinking about this relationship of mine sometimes. I wonder where it will go, what it will bring, & how I have been affected. I see on the outside, it appears good in looks. I know on the inside it is lacking, emotionally. There is no communication, my tolerance for being ignored is becoming overwhelmingly apparent. I am surrounded, but feel alone. I can breathe, but feel smothered. I am depressed. Looking back, I long for the days in which we spoke kindly to each other, & never let another talk down to us. I would have ran a mile just to see him. Now it feels like Im running a mile just to catch up with him, because he’s busy ahead of me. We used to walk side by side, now I fall behind, trying to keep everything else in place, while he jogs ahead, creating space and questions that he does not want to answer. Let me clarify something, every now and then he tries. I see that he gives it that 100 percent we promised each other. I see it now and then, but nothing like before. We pushed every limit together. We got through everything together. He never let me down, and I was always there for him.  So shouldn’t it ALWAYS be 100, I mean if I am giving 100, should he not match me anymore? Wishful thinking maybe, but these are things I have been thinking about most nights now. I am confused and it’s becoming dangerous to my mental health because of the way I still want to love him. 

Where is my goodnight bandit, who sometimes makes it all go away. The stress of the day, the headache of an argument. The sadness of my loneliness. When I hear or see those simple words, (goodnight or good-morning or even hey hows it goin) it means someone else thought of you. That must be hard to do now, because he rarely does anymore, it feels more like it is forced & empty. I feel lost, and sadness keeps me frozen with fear. I keep trying to figure out what happened, where is my friend? He says nothing is wrong and then he gets mad at me. 

I look forward to the days to come, somethings gotta change. Maybe it will be me, but he swears he loves me the way I am, so should I have to change? Does that not mean he never loved me because he now wants somebody different. Help me understand so I can love him the right way, and so he can get back to loving me at all.